Las 10 peores canciones del pop español

Esta es la lista más ambiciosa del presente blog. Todo un reto. Se trata de elegir las 10 peores canciones del pop español y somos conscientes de que hay centenares que podrían estar y lamentablemente quedarán excluidas. Jamás una criba fue tan dolorosa.

Tras el ranking de mejores canciones del pop español, parecía justo contrastarla con una lista de los mayores desastres. Con un criterio principal: que fueran canciones hechas «en serio«. Con ciertas pretensiones de crear estilo. Por eso no caben aquí aquellas canciones destinadas a evidenciar la imperfección del ser humano, del consumidor que gratamente engulle y se humilla con disparates como «La Bomba», «Aserejé», «La Macarena», «Sarandonga», «Mayonesa» o «Mueve tu cu-cú».

Nadie está libre de entrar en ránkings deshonrosos, como bien demostró la revista Rolling Stone en su día, pero el pop español es una mina. Pocas listas hay más susceptibles de revisiones como esta. Y eso duele…

1. «Atrapados en la red», de Tam Tam Go!. Entre las peores canciones del pop español, absolutamente siempre

«Te di todo mi amor arroba love punto com / Y tú me has roba-roba-robado la razón / Mándame un email que te abriré mi buzón / Y te hago un rinconcito en el archivo de mi corazón». ¿Qué se puede decir ante esto? Francamente insuperable, si bien faltaría un concepto clave que haría justicia a la canción: el correo basura para reciclarlo pronto.

Hubo un tiempo en el que Tam Tam Go! fueron considerados hasta intelectuales por alguien, algo que sonroja al comprobar el grado de perversión aquí presente. La musiquita se las trae. Y lo mejor: el vocalista, de nombre Nacho Campillo, cerraba los ojos al cantar. Es decir: ¡iba en serio! El final está a la altura: «Ciberpirata de amor / Me has abordado a traición». Y el router, a punto de explotar con una de las más lamentables y peores canciones de la historia.

2. «Mi primer beso», de Melendi. El Ciudadano Kane del pop español lo vuelve a hacer

Como dice un buen amigo de este blog, «Melendi es el Ciudadano Kane de las canciones malas del pop español». Para muestra este «Mi primer beso» y cómo perder la dignidad con los primeros picores. “Tenía 16 y ese bigotillo tonto / Ella se me acercó / Menos mal porque si lo tengo que hacer yo / Quizás aún estaría más virgen que María”. Segundos después llegaría ese chiste de borracho con zapatos castellanos confundiendo «aquello» del pantalón con el móvil.

La música es la de siempre en ese Melendi con fingida pinta de canallita sentimental: se arranca con baladita sabinera, hay un paroncillo, entran las guitarras y rumbita eléctrica al canto. Un estándar. Y, créanlo, esto gusta mucho al personal. ¿En qué momento se perdió el imperio?

3. «No hay marcha en Nueva York», de Mecano. Cómo convertirse en leyenda con mínimos, eternos creadores de varias de las peores canciones del pop español

Mecano tiene decenas de temas que podrían estar entre las peores canciones del pop español de siempre porque no solo hacían música mala, sino ñoña y con letras de primer poema de primaria. Y una de las joyas de la corona es este «No hay marcha en Nueva York», de su (ay) multiventas «Descanso Dominical».

Toda la canción es un lujo, pero hay una cumbre: «No hay marcha en Nueva York / Y los jamones son de York». No solo es uno de los ripios más lamentables de la historia, sino más paleto que llevar pantalón de pana en verano atado con una cuerda. Y esa forma de cantar de Ana Torroja, como si se le fuera desinflando un globo por dentro. Nacho Cano seguiría ofreciendo momentos sublimes toda su carrera («¡Miguel Ángel, Miguel Ángel!«), bastante más graciosos que este.

4. «El Agricultor», de El Canto del Loco. El canto de un loco

Se llama Dani Martín y es otro canallita que va de seductor. Al tiempo, su éxito es definitorio de qué le gusta al personal y de lo poco que se atiende a fondo y forma. Vayamos con esta deplorable canción, que va (agárrense a la silla o túmbese en el suelo) como sigue: «Por eso, escucha hermano del Rayo Vallecano / Y yo a ti te digo no soy americano / Y aunque tenga pelo y perilla de Alcobendas / No me meto en las tiendas, ni atraco a las viejas». Dan ganas de no ir a Alcobendas.

Pero luego está la música. Con un clásico: empezamos con baladita sentida (atención a esa batería tocada por un muchacho que al parecer estaba muy nervioso el día de la grabación), llega el paroncito de rigor y entran las guitarras a todo trapo. La novedad es que termina como empieza: vuelta a la baladita sentida. Es una canción de denuncia social, pero a la española; es decir, más cutre que la sección de bollería de un chino. Otro grupo con muchos tenas susceptibles de entrar en un ránking de las peores canciones de pop español de la historia.

5. «Marta tiene un marcapasos», de los Hombres G. Cuando el plagio no es lo peor dentro de una de las peores canciones del pop español

Un clásico del pop español. Y peor que llevar chanclas con vaqueros. O chanclas a secas. Lo peor de esta canción no es que sea un lamentable plagio de la maravillosa «At the zoo» de Simon & Garfunkel. No, lo peor es el resto, y ya es decir.

¿Es necesario que David Summers cantara así? Y más: ¿es necesario que escribiese esas letras? «Marta tiene un marcapasos que le anima el corazón /
No tiene que darle cuerda es automático / Puedes oír sus pataditas, está vivo creo yo / Marta tiene un pasajero en su corazón, en su corazón». ¿De verdad que esto no está penado? Una ventaja sí tiene la cosa: cuanto más envejezca Marta, más apropiado parecerá lo del marcapasos. Al menos, no tan grimoso como ver a Mick Jagger cantando lo de «I can’t get no satisfaction» de octogenario.

6. «Ella es un volcán», de La Unión. El peor «front-man» posible, una de las peores canciones de la historia

Un ridículo gritito, que podría ser del gato de Michael Jackson, marca la entrada: «Ella, ella, ella es un volcán / Es ardiente siempre quiere más / Mi nena sabe bien / Lo que me gusta más». Ahí queda eso para empezar. Hay letras más penosas, pero amigo, la música es lo que hace de esto una de las peores canciones del pop español del siempre.

Qué teclados, qué guitarra y qué desbocada interpretación. Es el conocido como «Rafa el de La Unión» imitando a «Rafa el de La Unión». Simplemente delirante. En directo era tremendo: pantalones de lino abrochados con cordel, chanclas «de vestir» (que existen), camiseta apretada marcando cosas que no se deben y el hombre sudando a chorros lo metido en el cuerpo antes de actuar. Mítico e inolvidable, aunque duela.

7. «Moving», de Macaco. El peor buen rollo

«Tiempos de pequeños movimientos / Movimientos en reacción / Una gota junto a otra hace oleajes, luego mares, océanos…». No es un curso de geografía por fascículos, sino una cosa que perpetró Macaco, quien en vez de imitar a alguien bueno se decidió por Manu Chao.

Lo que hay es indescriptible. Esas palmitas, esa melodía fea, esos toques aflamencaos, ese tonete de moto que no puede pasar de segunda marcha… Y encima el vídeo tiene a amigos que le jalean, lo peor que te puede suceder cuando entregas algo mal hecho. Por derecho, una de las peores canciones del pop español. Prácticamente indesbancable de un top de mayores desastres naturales, a menos que incluyas otra canción suya, que tiene muchas.

8. «Soldados del amor», de Olé Olé. Por mucho menos se empezaron guerras

Se crea o no, hubo un tiempo en el que a Marta Sánchez la bautizaron como «la Madonna española». De morirse. A medida que se iba operando, se iba tomando más en serio a sí misma. Y como en casos precedentes, nadie le advertía de su error. Total, que un día cantó «Soldados del amor».

Hay sonidos de escopetas y de repente se oye un susurro (se supone que tenía que ser sensual, pero…) que dice: «Únete a mi ritmo, el ritmo del amor». Es lo que dice y cómo lo dice. El combo de la muerte. Sin duda uno de los inicios de canción más tronchantes que se recuerdan. Pero es que la letra parece escrita por Tarzán tras caerse en fatal cambio de liana: “Yo más fuerte, tú más fuerte. Fuerte, fuerte. Todos juntos. Yo más fuerte, tú más fuerte. Fuerte, fuerte . Todo el mundo». La música, acorde con la letra.

9. «Mi gato». Rosario Flores. Esto es maltrato animal

«¿Qué hace el gato?», se oye preguntar. Y Rosario responde: «Uy, uy, uy, mi gato hace uy, uy, uy, uy, uy, uy / Mi gato hace ay, ay, ay, ay, uy, uy, uy / Mi gato hace uy, uy, uy,uy, uy, uy / Mi gato hace ay, ay, ay, ay,ay, ay, ay, ay, ay». Tremendo el minino.

Rosario Flores siempre cantó mal canciones malas. Llevo al extremo la regla de oro de fabricar éxitos en español durante cierta época: repite muchos monosílabos, busca una melodía que no exija mucho esfuerzo cognitivo y aflaméncalo. No fallaba… hasta que falló. Eso libró al país de mucho artista pesado y poco talentoso. Las brasas siempre se apagan con el tiempo. Nunca hay que perder la paciencia

10. «La raja de tu falda», de Estopa. El dolor

¿Qué es el mal gusto? Precisamente esto: «Por la raja de tu falda / Yo tuve un piñazo con un Seat Panda». Resulta que este tétrico dúo de «enrollados» un día reventó las listas con su revisión de un género tan pobre como la rumba, que es adonde no podían llegar los flamencos cuando el talento no les daba. Y Estopa fue más allá.

Fueron los creadores de un estilo ya citado en anteriores líneas: arranco suave, rumbeo, me paro, meto guitarras a toda tralla y ya no hay quien me pare. Y todo con una actitud macarra y machota que parecía la versión malota de las Producciones Frade. Esta cosa de «La raja de tu falda» triunfó por todo lo alto para reivindicar lo irrevindicable: la penosa figura del poligonero.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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